The Oblivion Bar
by Morninglight
Summary: My characters get together and snark about me. Some minor language and implied cannibalism. (Hey, Ysraneth is in it).


Note: I'm bored. I should be studying. I'mma write crossover crack instead. This is what happens when Balgruuf from Tales of the Aurelii, Dragonborn!Lia from The Bruma Wind, and Ysraneth from Ysraneth's Tale all get together for a drink. Shout outs from some of my poor neglected and abandoned Dragon Age characters… Some minor language and implied cannibalism.

…

"So three Dragonborn walk into the Oblivion Bar, Sanguine serves them a drink, and Sheogorath is in charge of the karaoke machine."

"Don't you mean Northstar?" asked Lia. But she wasn't _his_ Lia, instead being a Dragonborn because she'd apparently stayed at the College of Winterhold to become one of the best battlemages in Skyrim. Thankfully, the Goddess of Writers had provided her with differing war-paint – crossed lines across her face instead of the thick vertical stripe his Lia used to try and conceal her facial scar – and she wore linen mage robes instead of light leathers.

"I'm the bouncer!" announced the Madgoddess from the door.

"So let me get this straight," observed the tall Bosmer-looking woman, who was drinking from a cocktail glass decorated with frilly pink umbrellas. "Balgruuf's sleeping with the non-Dragonborn Lia and Lia's sleeping with non-Dragonborn Balgruuf."

"And your Balgruuf is playing kinky games with Irileth," Sanguine supplied helpfully.

"My Irileth's a Daedric Prince now," Balgruuf murmured, not really wanting to think of his oldest friend in those sorts of terms. "She was the Nerevarine."

"Mine claims to have been the Hero of Kvatch," Ysraneth said with a grin. She shoved a plate of fried meaty bits to the middle of the table. "Fried Thalmor bits? I killed them fresh this morning."

Lia and Balgruuf shuddered. "We're good," the battlemage managed to respond.

"Suit yourself. More for me." Ysraneth leaned back, teeth flashing white in her beige-olive skin. She wasn't handsome but there was a certain feral strikingness to her features. Dragonborn Lia looked as different to his Lia as chalk did to cheese - she was plumper, less scarred and still had the tattoo. Balgruuf admittedly preferred Sedinkoorven to Ah-Ree-Lah.

Two dragons ambled into the Bar; one was small and off-white while the other was a big red-scaled bastard. "-And so I said to the Dovahkiin, 'That's not my tail!'"

"Tay, over here!" Balgruuf waved to his little dovah friend.

"Sahkren-Vahlok-Keizaal," Tayfunvahzah greeted cheerfully. "Odahviing and I are exchanging stories about our worlds."

"OhmigodscanIkeephim?" Ysraneth squealed. "He's so cute… and adorable… and little!"

"One smartass dragon sidekick to a reality, please!" Sheogorath announced.

"Well, how's that for arbitrary alternative reality rules," Ah-Ree-Lah observed dryly. "I haven't even met mine yet."

"Sedinkoorven as Dovahkiin?" Tay, who was one of the minute-tender children of Akatosh, shuddered. "I like her better in my world."

"Me too," Balgruuf admitted, ignoring the icy glare delivered by the battlemage.

"Well, _my_ Balgruuf bullshitted to Elenwen for three hours while I robbed the Thalmor Embassy," she retorted sweetly.

"Pfft. I had a servant do the lifting and pissed her off for hours by telling cannibal stories involving Thalmor," Ysraneth observed dryly.

"Did you get to eat her?" Lia asked with a smirk.

"No. Ulfric Shouted her off High Hrothgar and ruined a perfectly good cut of meat."

Balgruuf and Tay exchanged relieved glances that if this woman lived in their world, she wasn't Dragonborn or anywhere near them.

"Mind you, he was fun at my wedding party," Ysraneth continued cheerfully. "He snogged half of the Imperial Command."

"Fasendil was so traumatised by the experience – and falling into Eola's clutches – that every Fasendil in the multiverse experienced a moment of pure existential terror," Sheogorath observed happily. "Even the one where he's got the hots for a thief-Lia."

"Other!Me is sleeping with an Altmer?" Dragonborn!Lia asked with a shudder. "Ewww…"

"Wait until you meet the Dragonborn in that reality," Sheogorath grinned.

"I don't want to know."

"How the hell does the Goddess of Writers juggle all these different universes?" Balgruuf asked curiously.

"Organisation? Nah. Mostly too much time during her summer holidays, something called NaNoWriMo – which spawned your world in its final incarnation – and weird lore readings at midnight, salroka," answered a stocky, auburn-haired woman with black brands on her face sitting at a table with an ash-blonde woman, a lovely lass with long dark copper hair, and a severe-looking female archer with ice-white tresses. "By the way, she's ignoring our realities because of bloody Skyrim and its open world."

"I hope Dragon Age: Inquisition has an open(ish) world," murmured the archer. "Redone environments is _so_ 2011."

"Go back to the Hanged Man!" Northstar told the stocky woman.

"Make me!" she retorted.

"No brawling between drunken foul-mouthed thugs," Sanguine ordered wearily. "I know you're the Madgoddess, Northstar, but Brytta killed an evil demonic dragon with the help of her boyfriend."

"Whatever," observed the ash-blonde woman. "I did it on my own."

"Yeah, good for you. You're the only one whose story wasn't deleted because the Goddess of Writers hated it." Brytta folded her arms and fumed. "I better get another story this year."

"I hope she finishes mine. Teagan just declared war and you know how men are when they're unsupervised," the copper-haired lass pointed out.

"What about me?" asked a white-haired woman in furs somewhere at the back. "I haven't even left Solstheim!"

"Something-playthroughs-Dragon Age Keep-something-saving up for a new gaming computer," Sheogorath mumbled. "Oh, and something called university."

"Go figure," Brytta mumbled. "Who's up for some Valenta Red?"

"I don't drink," Balgruuf admitted. "In fact, I think I'm leaving."

"Thalmor bits?" Ysraneth offered the small auburn-haired woman.

"They like nugs? 'Cause nugs are seriously delicious."

Battlemage!Lia looked slightly ill. "They were people."

"Is it cannibalism if I eat fantasy people from a fictional world?" Brytta asked Northstar.

"Only if you think it's real," the Madgoddess asked as Balgruuf edged towards the door.

"Meh, nugs probably taste better." Brytta turned to Sanguine, who looked amused. "Where the hell's the Valenta Red?"

"Coming right up, Warden," the Daedric Prince replied, sliding a mug in her direction. "Don't mind Balgruuf. He comes from a universe which, on a scale of Fifth Blight to Kirkwall, is Tevinter ruled by purist elves that want to end the universe to regain their immortality."

"…That doesn't make sense," Brytta pointed out. "Ending the universe would kill everything."

"I get the feeling the Thalmor haven't fully thought things through."

"Imagine post-Ostagar with a world-destroying black dragon on your ass but minus the evil tainted minions," Sheogorath supplied helpfully. "And you can eat his soul but survive."

"… You know what? My reality isn't so bad." Brytta drank deep and waved her tankard at Balgruuf. "Happy end of the world!"

"You too," he told her. What was it about stories revolving about apocalyptic threats and dragons?

As he exited the Oblivion Bar, he decided he didn't want to know.


End file.
